My fellow Americans,
For too long, the United States of
America has been at the mercy of foreign interests — and nations in
faraway lands that are often at odds with our core values — when it
comes to the production of perhaps the vital resource that drives our
economy. We remain far too dependent on this imported commodity that
could, in the time of emergency or international political crisis, be
denied to us and thus cripple our productivity and reduce us to
quivering masses of migraines in a matter of hours. The time for change is now.
I speak, of course, of our complete dependence on coffee that we are importing mainly from Brazil and Colombia. It's time to wean ourselves from this harmful addiction. My "Coffee Independence" proposal is the key first step.
We
may constitute only 5 percent of the world's population, but we consume
fully a third of the planet's coffee. This nation runs off coffee, most
all of it from a sketchy continent. Should we be cut off by one of
these sources, for our caffeine fix we'd be forced to drink Coca-Cola for breakfast as well as 10 other times a day.
Our
most recent census figures reveal that Detroit lost 25 percent of its
population from 2000 to 2010, including those who moved from the city
as a result of continuing dismal performances by the Lions and Pistons.
And the great state of Michigan as a whole lost population and faces
one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.
Thus
my administration will propose that we begin immediately to invest in
this city and state and turn them into the coffee capital of North
America. It will create jobs, jobs, jobs; stimulate economic
development; and put Michigan back on the map. After all, it was a beer
that made Milwaukee famous, and cows that turned Wisconsin into America's Dairyland. Why not think of Michigan when you think of mocha?
Going
without our morning venti half-caf latte and afternoon frappuccino
grande will take some time to get used to, of course. As will building
the hothouse infrastructure, turning seedlings into hearty trees; and
fully implementing our "Cash for Coffee" stimulus program. And until
those beans can be picked by American workers who are paid a living
wage, have great health care benefits, 40l(k)s and union
representation, this will call for shared sacrifice.
To complement this initiative, I will also propose to Congress that we invest in Florida
orange juice production, Nicorette gum and California wines, all 100
percent American products. (And we can thus reduce Brazil to a nation
known only for its Carnival, bikini waxes and getting suckered into
hosting the 2016 Olympic Games.)
Once
fully implemented, we will then turn our full attention to growing
cocoa in New Hampshire, a state that figures prominently in the 2012
primaries, instead of importing our secondary caffeine and fat
additions — chocolate — from the Ivory Coast and Ghana. After that we
will move on the idiom — "For all the tea in China"
— and have farmers in another early primary state, Iowa, convert some
of their corn (aka ethanol) acreage to tea, thus stopping the flow of
American dollars to China and India.
And then for the final phase, I am fully prepared to give new meaning to the term "Banana Republic."
Sincerely,
Any president, past, present and future
Allen R. Sanderson teaches economics at the University of Chicago.
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